She’s Gone

As with so many managers before her, Shelley left the Office of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services for greener pastures. In her case, the greener pastures consists of a tele-commuter position with Northwestern Human Services here in Harrisburg. My organization is a state government organization that deals primarily with copies and managed care organizations. Shelley sees this move as a way to get mental health providers to make the system more recovery oriented at the grassroots level. Changing a system from “this is what you get” to “this is what I want to make me feel better” will be a challenge. I know that Shelley is up this challenge.

It was a sad parting. When I walked into her soon to be vacated room she said “I need a hug.” The hug turned into a mutual squeeze after which I noticed tears in her eyes. She told me how much she appreciated those times I’d look in her door and say “hi.” In turn, I told her how much it meant to me that she involved me in updating the Department of Public Welfare Internet site. I went on to say that she brought me out of my own little world and expanded my horizons. Thus ended a very good working relationship which lasted a year. Alas, my life appears to be a series of goodbyes. This goodbye was the latest.

It Could be Rapid Cycling

This entry is not about Lance Armstrong. When I say “it could be rapid cycling,” I’m talking about the change in moods that I’m going through now. Rapid cycling is when days, or even hours, of depression are interspersed with periods of feeling normal. Rapid cycling affects bipolar people who are on antidepressants. I’m only guessing that I’m suffering from rapid cycling. I base my assumption on the fluctuation of my moods over the last thirty-six hours. If I assess my moods over the last several weeks, I can’t be too sure.  All I can say is that yesterday and most of today I felt awful. Right now I’m feeling pretty good.

Is there a remedy for rapid cycling? My understanding is that getting off of antidepressants will cause rapid cycling to abate. However, I fear that by abandoning my antidepressant (Pristiq) I’d plummet into despair  If I could be assured of feeling normal without the antidepressant, I would cease taking it.  I certainly hate the downs that I’m experiencing . . . even though they only last a short time, they keep coming back.

Feelings Woe Woe Woe Feelings

So many times I have felt this way. Today is like those other times. I feel lonely, anxious, hopeless, helpless, empty and pathetic. I have to tell myself that these are only feelings. Feelings are subjective. Reality is objective. I can’t be overcome by something that’s not real! There is a difference between what I perceive and what actually exists!

To cross from subjectivity and objectivity would be such a blessing. As it stands, I must struggle with these cursed feelings. Medication has done little good. My ability to barely function has closed the door to shock therapy. I’ve stopped praying for healing as many people do who are living with debilitating physical injuries. I want to see things as they really are and, by so doing, free myself from the shackles of depression. I just don’t know how to rid myself of these feelings.

Current Events

Let me begin on a serious note and write about the three “S”s: simulcasting, shock therapy and spending Each of these merits mention and some deserve more attention than the others. However, in this entry, I’ll give each of them roughly equal time. After I write about these, I’ll end on an upbeat note.
The first “S” is simulcastng. When I resumed journaling – - or had hoped to resume journaling — I made the same entries in different blogs. The first blog, naturally, was LiveJournal. The second blog was WordPress. Sadly, I found WordPress to be the space shuttle of blogs in its complexity. Whereas, LiveJournal remained as simple as driving a car. In WordPress, I was only able to find Mark Wiland’s “Fly on the Wall” journal only TWO times . . . both accidentally. In subsequent attempts I only made him a contributor and got his e-mail address. I am truly frustrated by WordPress’ lack of easy navigation. Regrettably, this makes it unable for me to leave comments, or even read, Mark Wiland’s “Fly on the Wall” entries. O that WordPress could be as easy to use as LiveJournal.

The second “S” is shock therapy. It turns out that I’m functioning too well to receive this treatment. Shock therapy is usually reserved for those who are severely impaired by depression. By that, I’m talking about those who are bedridden for those who are walking around weeping sporadically. The decision not to go through with shock therapy strangely was made by the same psychiatrist who thought it would be beneficial. I’m not sure if he had second thoughts about the severity of my depression. . . which has abated to some degree . . . or whether he realized my insurance company would not pay for this treatment. Am I disappointed with the cancellation of shock therapy? I’m not disappointed, as long as I’m able to feel reasonably well.

The third “S” is spending. My spending is currently out of control. If I see something on the Internet, I buy it. EBay is the website at which I spend the most money. On eBay, I have won everything from the gold-toned bust of Lenin to dozens of cassette tapes. As far as cassette tapes are concerned, I have more than I could possibly listen to in a lifetime . . . or so it seems. I buy so much that I have gone so far as to spend $45 to subscribe to a sniping service, which allows me to bid on in an auction the very last few seconds. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of dollars, because I haven’t added it all up.

On a lighter note, the Cenobites have arrived. One doesn’t usually associate the Cenobites with happiness. However I am delighted with the eighteen seven inch action figures. In all their ugliness, Pinhead and his motley crew are standing on top of a small chest of drawers in my office. I have on display all but Torso and the Wire Twin that doesn’t have her tongue sticking out. Those two Cenobites I bought yesterday on eBay and should be arriving in the mail by next week. I was tempted to buy a replica of the Lament puzzle box. It was $125 and did not open like the puzzle box in the “Hellraiser” movies. Instead, I bought the boxed set of all six “Hellraiser” movies.

I Voted for McCain

Recognizing that the presidential election was a month and a half ago, I’m now going to declare I voted for McCain.   Why am I doing this?  I’m doing this because I can’t think of anything else to write about. Getting back to my declaration:   I voted for John McCain for a number of reasons, not the least of which is his experience in Congress.   McCain has lots of connections that he has made through the years.   He knows many of his fellow senators, conservative and liberal, quite well.  Indeed, he has co-sponsored bills with liberals Ted Kennedy and Russ Feingold .  As president, he could have worked with his senatorial connections to create a legislative agenda.   Furthermore, under the heading of experience, no one can deny McCain has gained wisdom during his twenty-six years in Congress.   As president, knowing how things get done would have aided him greatly.

Having expressed my support for John McCain, I have to admit he is not a socialist.    At the same time, neither is Barack Obama.   As liberal as Obama may be, he is stopping short of what a socialist or communist would do in this financial crisis.  Obama is not nationalizing the auto industry and taking control of some financial institutions.   Call me cynical, but I think Obama will move to the right rather than to the left.   I saw this happened with Bill Clinton in the mid-1990s.  Clinton, who became president promising an overhaul of the health care system, ended up signing the North Atlantic Free Trade Agreement along with other right-wing legislation.   

John McCain would’ve made a great president.    In addition to experience, as a “maverick” he would not have been controlled by the Republican Party.  He would have had the iron will that was forged when he was tortured as a prisoner of war.  He would have made bridges between Democrats and Republicans.  He would have governed with patriotism and integrity.   Although I didn’t give his campaign any money,  I proudly state that I voted for McCain

Another Expensive Holiday Season

Yesterday I completed my Christmas shopping.   Although I only started with six people on my gift list, I ended up buying for ten.   The total cost of buying presents was far more than I had anticipated. Still, it was worth making people happy.   I just wish I could have found less expensive things that would have the same effect.  Maybe next year I’ll be more selective in what I buy.

I Gotta Write Something

There’s no excuse.   I have a blog  therefore I am responsible for making frequent entries.   Granted, my life is dull.   Granted, I suffer from writer’s block.  Granted, I’m not as creative as my friend Mark Wiland.  Granted, I’m not fired up enough about an issue to rant about it.   All of these things are excuses.   And, like I said, there is no excuse.  It’s time to stop wimping out and start getting down to business.

What I’ll write about now is a recent mistake that I find comical.  The mistake wasn’t made by me but rather by a businessman in Ukraine.   This is the same businessman from which I recently purchased a gold-toned bust of Lenin on eBay.   Well, I also purchased a reproduction of a painting from this businessman.  It turns out he sent the painting to a man in Canada, while, at the same time sending me a musical instrument that’s in the cello family.   The businessman alerted me to his mistake, so I didn’t open the nearly four foot tall package.  It now stands in my office while I await instructions from the businessman as to where to send it.   What I find amusing about this is that what I wanted and what I got are probably equally as useless to me.

Hooray, I actually composed something!   Now I need to repeat this on a daily basis.   Prior to today, I had restricted the subject matter to serious stuff.   That has a lot to do with why I haven’t written anything lately.  It’s not that serious stuff hasn’t been going on.  It’s just that I find it unpleasant to always write about it.

The Events of the Last Three Days

The events of the last three days may be of no interest to readers, but they are nonetheless significant to me.  I’ve been perpetually groggy these past several days.  Unfortunately, the sleep I receive is interrupted, thus making it ineffective and perpetuating the cycle of drowsiness and sleep followed by more drowsiness.

I slept a good deal of Saturday afternoon, even to the point of sleeping through my planned visit a friend and his family.  Thankfully, my friend called and my Mom answered the phone to apologize for my absence.  After I got out of bed, I ironed a white button-down shirt to wear with my one suit. Then, as evening approached, I dressed in my suit and newly ironed shirt and proceeded to drive to Our Lady of the Blessed Sacrament Church on N. 3^rd St.

As in Hollywood movies, the church was dimly lit.  And only one person was visible, and she prayed in a pew located midway between the entrance and the altar.  To my immediate right I saw the only confessional booth in use.  The little light above the priest’s door indicated that he was inside his sectioned off part of the confessional.   Through the open door, a much wider light was seen in the penitent’s part of the confessional.  The open door struck me as God’s way of inviting me to come inside.   So, after praying that God would help me make a good confession and give me the resolve to amend my life, I entered.

Kneeling on one knee and simultaneously leaning against the shelf under the screen, I proceeded to open my heart.  “May God be merciful for I have sinned.  My last confession was on November 20th only sixteen days ago.  At this point, I launched into a list of actions inappropriate for anyone much less someone of my age. Upon completing my admissions of repugnant behavior, I finally heard the voice of the priest.  It wasn’t Father Paul Clark, rather it was the voice of a Vietnamese priest who I later learned was Pastor Tri Luong.  Father Luong comforted me with the truth that there is no sin too great that God forgive it.  Finally, after I had made an act of contrition, Father Luong took away my guilt when he pronounced, “Through the ministry of the Church, may God grant you pardon and peace.  And I absolve you of your sins in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.”

Leaving the church unburdened made me feel good. I had to be careful not to skip out the door (as if I could still do that).  A thin layer of snow had coated the sidewalk and the street, which could easily have caused me to take a spill. I returned home feeling better than when I had left.

Sunday and Monday are something of a blur. Although on Monday I remember completing Christmas shopping for the six children of my friends.  This was all done at Amazon.com.   Who ever thought that Christmas shopping could be so easy? Granted, trying to determine what each of them would like was still difficult.  But actually buying and delivering these gifts is a breeze.

Tuesday was pleasant enough. It also had its share of excitement.  Still, overall, Tuesday was an enjoyable day. The high point of enjoyment is when a large gold-toned bust of Great Lenin arrived from Ukraine.  I didn’t hesitate to put that sculpture on my desk.   The high point of excitement is when I successfully dropped off (dumped) an unused piece of medical equipment for which a medical supply company was demanding payment.

Hello world!

So yeah, it’s been several months since I’ve blogged.  I wish I could say that I was in a coma all the time I was absent.   For if I had been in a deep state of unconsciousness, I wouldn’t have done the immoral things and foolish things of which I am now guilty.   I could write at length just about those shameful activities, but I am too embarrassed to give any details. So, instead, I’ll give a PG-rated summary of the other things that happened these past seven months.

Psychiatrically, I’m still depressed.   Although for a couple of months, this past autumn, I felt relief while taking Tofranil.   That however wore off and now I’m being lined up for shock therapy in mid-January.   I’m not sure if shock treatment restores low levels of neuro-chemicals.    But the side-effect of shock treatment is short-term memory loss and that, in itself, would benefit me greatly.

I thought I could go into greater detail about what transpired these past seven months.  Unfortunately, I do not have the time to continue this entry.